We crave control in our lives. Some of us have the tendency to need this more than others, but however control freak natured or laid back horizontal we seem, uncontrollable situations phase all of us. Normally I would write. Flow the words from the jumble of my thoughts and like a great confessional spill my worries and frets with graphite and taps of plastic keys. Most things flow easily, but every writer has a block and this appears to be mine. This time it haunts me, pushes itself deep and buries it's nest so firmly that even to dwell on the thought brings tears to my eyes and sends me scurrying away from the dark cavern of fear and into the light of frivolity. And what frivolity I have, for I am planning a wedding, a celebration where the choice is mind blowing and the unnecessary extras aplenty. And so much more for me as I can plan and prepare introducing this country to them and all the hurdles that will need to be overcome by their presence. Here I am so ready to save others, give to them, create for them, and yet deep down I still won't even allow a glimpse to them that would allow me to be saved. And so I fret over visa's and dresses, I talk at great length over favours and colour schemes. All a mask, a way of hiding the realities I know I will need to face. I'm terrified. I'm really scared. I don't want to move to Serbia and live in a world I have so little understanding of. To battle each day with the basics of food and communication. The prospect of going there without a job of my own, however mind numbing, literally is too harsh to comprehend. The idea of being stranded, not having the ability to move from the situation I find myself in, I feel the tears already filling my eyes. So why do I chose this path, why do I walk into a place I so fear. Well for the world s simplest reason, love. I fell in love with the possibility of watching that nation change and grow, I fell in love with the sleepless city and the untold horror of those old eyes that passed me. I fell in love with the myriad of possibilities and sound of the divine cracking the streets of pain, but most of all I fell in love with a man. When I see him smile I know, when he says 'it will be ok' I believe him, and when he asked I said 'yes'. It's true that I have been promised much before, and his words and promises are only human. But God will provide all our needs, that I know for certain, and if I leave my greed with the frivolities and face these night terrors he will have prepared a place for me there too. And so I'll remove my armour and restart my blog. I'll admit my fear and refuse to hold back the tears. Perhaps I'll be able to write again
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The other siteWho is GfeefGfeef is the name that my writings have been under for some years. As far as I know it's unique to me. Originally from the UK, I now live in Serbia but continue to have a passion for childrens and youth ministry. Archives
October 2014
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